Internal Family Systems

Howdy Friends

In this space I offer musings on psychology, the mind, body, and spirit—woven from nearly twenty years in the therapy chair and the lessons learned from my own journey as a woman, wife, daughter, mom and friend.   Here, professional insight and personal experience meet. Think of it as a gentle note in your inbox—reminders that you’re not alone, encouragement for the road, and a few sparks of light for the days that feel heavy. May it serve as a touchstone for your own journey.

Here I wanted to address the topic of “Parts Work” or Internal Family Systems as a therapeutic tool in the toolbox but also a way of approaching life, ourselves and others.  

One of my major go-to’s for therapy is Internal Family Systems or IFS for short.  It is sometimes referred to as “Parts Work” and it is a deeply healing and compassionate, experiential approach to therapy.   My guru for this is Richard Schwartz who developed and refined the technique.  

To understand this view, think of your inner world like a busy household—you’ve got different “parts” living under one roof. There’s the perfectionist who wants the gold star, the worrier who’s always checking the locks, the free spirit who wants to dance barefoot at midnight, and the tender child who just needs a hug. In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we get curious about these parts rather than pushing them away. Each one has a job, even if it sometimes makes life messy or problematic, and when we listen with compassion, they begin to relax. The magic is that beneath all these voices, there’s a calm, wise Self—the steady Heart of the home—who can hold everyone with care.

In therapy, we work to firstly meet all the members of the household.  Who lives here, what are their names, what roles do they play?  What are their jobs in this house?  What do they do for this household? There are no bad housemates…they all make sense and they all were created for a reason! In this process, parts can being to relax and learn that perhaps they are not needed in the same ways they once were. 

Next we also want to get a sense of any parts that we don’t allow in the house…who we might make sleep in the garage or on the back porch.  These parts are often young, vulnerable, small parts who we feel will upset the balance of the household. The thing is though, we can’t live a full, integrated life with parts exiled to the garage.  We can learn, however, to heal these parts, allow them in the house and realise that they don’t actually threaten the household anymore.  We reclaim them which in the  process unburdens our psyche from having to keep them at bay. This feels in therapy, like a deep, deep relief.  It can be challenging, but the rewards are worth it in profound ways.  

My favourite part of IFS work however, relates to Self work.  This component is the more spiritual part of IFS work where we lean on different teachings from many philosophies and ways of knowing.  It is the deeper Soul-work that accompanies healing and growth as humans.   

Think of the Self as that steady centre of the home, the core essence of our being that has been ignored, denied or lied dormant due to the events that unfolded in our lives.  The job is to remember what was always there.  This is a spiritual and values-based journey back to self. It is deeply enriching and transformational.  This approach holds that all humans are, at our core, good.  We are capable of good. We are redeemable. We are divine in nature.  We can lose sight of this because of well-meaning but destructive or misguided parts. 

However, at this centre of Self sits a certain set of inalienable traits: compassion, curiosity, courage, clarity, creativity, connectedness, confidence and calm as well as patience, perspective, presence, persistence and playfulness.  Helping clients reconnect with this, becomes a privilege and a beautiful thing to witness as it unfolds.  It is never too late to uncover this gold. 

Closing Note

IFS in not the only tool in the toolbox, although it is a personal favourite. I could wax poetic about it for hours, but this is just a small taste of this vast therapy modality.  If these reflections speak to you, I’d love to stay connected. Feel free to send me an email to stay in touch.  

In the meantime, I invite you to take a minute, to take stock of your own internal household.  Take a deep breath, place a hand on your heart and a hand on your belly as you softly turn your attention inward.  

-Who is in there today? What parts are you noticing? 

-What do they do for the you? What is their job?

-How do they feel? What is going on for them? 

-What do they need in this moment? Can you offer them your curiosity and your understanding? A gentle acceptance. Silently whisper to your parts, “You are welcome here. I am listening.”  Take note of anything important and see how it relates to your current circumstances.  

With Warmth,

Kristi